Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:59 AM
I keep thinking of what he said about how you are the one that's always in charge of a relationship and how he feels that he's just sitting back letting it happen. How he feels that he's not a participant and how he's just along for the ride. That is the most amazing revelation to me. What have you been thinking?
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 12:01 PM
Subject: RE: Jay
Well, two things. First I feel really indignant about it, like… I am unwilling to be a passive observer in my own life – I will grab bulls by horns and if the bull doesn’t like it, it can go to hell. But then I also have to consider that James did say the same thing and maybe this is the key, so he might be right… which leads me to believe that I may, in fact, be unwilling to follow the natural laws of human nature, which in turn means I am destined to either be alone or be alone a lot longer than I’d hoped until I find that person who can “control” me without letting me know he is doing it. also, I already decided relationships aren’t a priority for me right now, so it’s not something I’m thinking a lot about, except for those two exact things.
Being single for so long I have learned the following key points:
1) if a guy drops the whole “I’m just too f*cked up to be in a relationship” line on you; then trust him, he is too f*cked up.
2) if he is not calling or texting, he doesn’t care.
3) filling in the blanks where he doesn’t give enough time or energy to do it himself is a waste of time and doesn’t constitute a “relationship” so don’t act surprised when you have all these plans/dreams/ideas that he has absolutely no interest in.
4) all men are incredibly lazy and want you to do all the work and when you offer to do the work they flip out b/c they don’t understand a strong independent woman and so it always backfires, until one day it won’t.
5) until the right man comes a long that wants to *share* the work, then I am flying solo because I am tired of filling in all the gaps myself….. I’d rather be going to shows.
One additional point I was thinking about at lunch: the right man will have no excuses for not loving me. so far, that is all I’ve heard. I’m learning not to make excuses for men. They always mean what they say.
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 2:48 PM
Subject: RE: Jay
They do and that is the good thing about them. We women hope that they mean more, but they don't.
Also-"we'll see" means "I really don't want to but I'll do it if you make me"
Also-I was thinking about it and you kinda treat your friendships like you do relationships too. I'll give you an example.
You'll ask where I want to go to dinner and I'll just throw someplace random out b/c I know you're going to come back and say, "I was kinda wanting XYZ".
I know that you already have your mind made up about where you want to go and you are just asking me to make me think I have a part in the decision process.
It's not a bad thing, but it's what you do. I used to fight it and say that I couldn't make a decision but once I figured out how to work the system, it's been pretty easy to know that it's pretty much guaranteed I'll be going wherever you want to go. Again-not a bad thing, just something I'm throwing out there.
It's the same with going to a movie, or a show, or anything else you plan. You already know what you want and you spend the majority of your time convicing others that this is what they want as well. Again-not a bad thing and it is easier to just ride your coat tails and follow along than to be part of the decision process. Not a bad thing b/c GOD KNOWS I spend so much of my life planning and sorting and remembering that I kinda enjoy that you make the decisions. I know I'll have a good time no matter what and I don't have to think about it. I just have to show up.
I think it's all part of that fierce independence that you've fought so hard for. It's great but in the process you forget to let others help you until you're desperately needing help. I know, I used to do it too. Now I have a husband that I love as fiercely as I love my independence and I can't lose myself in the love b/c I can't give myself over to it b/c what if...
Even though I know that man loves me, I mean truly loves me, I still am like..what if...
I still have to have that backup plan in order to feel safe. Not saying that's going to happen to you b/c we love differently. Just saying that that is what happened to me.
I spent so long being alone while all my friends had boyfriends and dates. I spent years hearing my mother scoff and say "I don't know why I had this front room built. It was supposed to be the room where you would hang out with your boyfriend and it's never been used."
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 2:59 PM
Subject: RE: Jay
Haha you made me laugh out loud. I didn’t realize I do that. and if I did, I would criticize myself for it and feel like I was too overbearing, but I think it’s something I’ve just learned about myself, if you are indecisive, I will take over. Most people don’t care (you, etc, I guess) but some guys do, I suppose. I laughed so hard at the “You already know what you want and you spend the majority of your time convincing others that this is what they want as well. “ part… it’s so true! Hahaha! So I guess that goes back to the thing you’re saying about working the system with me, no guy has bothered to figure out how yet. so eff ‘em. They have been either completely too passive (peter) or we butt heads so hard it’s an exhausting battle always (gigi) or they act cool and nonchalant until things blow up out of the blue (jim / james) and I am left reeling. So eventually either I accept this is the thing about me that will be the hardest for men to accept or I try to change it. And I honestly have no interest in changing it. I like that I know what I want. Most people spend their lives not knowing or caring enough. I know. I care. I’m not willing to accept mediocrity from myself or others…. Especially not from someone I want to give my heart to, for cripes sake!