must... stash

reminder to self

From: Jeannine
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:59 AM
To: Karla
Subject: Jay

I keep thinking of what he said about how you are the one that's always in charge of a relationship and how he feels that he's just sitting back letting it happen. How he feels that he's not a participant and how he's just along for the ride. That is the most amazing revelation to me. What have you been thinking?


From: Karla
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 12:01 PM
To: Jeannine
Subject: RE: Jay

Well, two things. First I feel really indignant about it, like… I am unwilling to be a passive observer in my own life – I will grab bulls by horns and if the bull doesn’t like it, it can go to hell. But then I also have to consider that James did say the same thing and maybe this is the key, so he might be right… which leads me to believe that I may, in fact, be unwilling to follow the natural laws of human nature, which in turn means I am destined to either be alone or be alone a lot longer than I’d hoped until I find that person who can “control” me without letting me know he is doing it. also, I already decided relationships aren’t a priority for me right now, so it’s not something I’m thinking a lot about, except for those two exact things.

Being single for so long I have learned the following key points:
1) if a guy drops the whole “I’m just too f*cked up to be in a relationship” line on you; then trust him, he is too f*cked up.
2) if he is not calling or texting, he doesn’t care.
3) filling in the blanks where he doesn’t give enough time or energy to do it himself is a waste of time and doesn’t constitute a “relationship” so don’t act surprised when you have all these plans/dreams/ideas that he has absolutely no interest in.
4) all men are incredibly lazy and want you to do all the work and when you offer to do the work they flip out b/c they don’t understand a strong independent woman and so it always backfires, until one day it won’t.
5) until the right man comes a long that wants to *share* the work, then I am flying solo because I am tired of filling in all the gaps myself….. I’d rather be going to shows.

One additional point I was thinking about at lunch: the right man will have no excuses for not loving me. so far, that is all I’ve heard. I’m learning not to make excuses for men. They always mean what they say.



From: Jeannine
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 2:48 PM
To: Karla
Subject: RE: Jay

They do and that is the good thing about them. We women hope that they mean more, but they don't.
Also-"we'll see" means "I really don't want to but I'll do it if you make me"

Also-I was thinking about it and you kinda treat your friendships like you do relationships too. I'll give you an example.
You'll ask where I want to go to dinner and I'll just throw someplace random out b/c I know you're going to come back and say, "I was kinda wanting XYZ".
I know that you already have your mind made up about where you want to go and you are just asking me to make me think I have a part in the decision process.
It's not a bad thing, but it's what you do. I used to fight it and say that I couldn't make a decision but once I figured out how to work the system, it's been pretty easy to know that it's pretty much guaranteed I'll be going wherever you want to go. Again-not a bad thing, just something I'm throwing out there.

It's the same with going to a movie, or a show, or anything else you plan. You already know what you want and you spend the majority of your time convicing others that this is what they want as well. Again-not a bad thing and it is easier to just ride your coat tails and follow along than to be part of the decision process. Not a bad thing b/c GOD KNOWS I spend so much of my life planning and sorting and remembering that I kinda enjoy that you make the decisions. I know I'll have a good time no matter what and I don't have to think about it. I just have to show up.

I think it's all part of that fierce independence that you've fought so hard for. It's great but in the process you forget to let others help you until you're desperately needing help. I know, I used to do it too. Now I have a husband that I love as fiercely as I love my independence and I can't lose myself in the love b/c I can't give myself over to it b/c what if...
Even though I know that man loves me, I mean truly loves me, I still am like..what if...
I still have to have that backup plan in order to feel safe. Not saying that's going to happen to you b/c we love differently. Just saying that that is what happened to me.
I spent so long being alone while all my friends had boyfriends and dates. I spent years hearing my mother scoff and say "I don't know why I had this front room built. It was supposed to be the room where you would hang out with your boyfriend and it's never been used."


From: Karla
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 2011 2:59 PM
To: Jeannine
Subject: RE: Jay

Haha you made me laugh out loud. I didn’t realize I do that. and if I did, I would criticize myself for it and feel like I was too overbearing, but I think it’s something I’ve just learned about myself, if you are indecisive, I will take over. Most people don’t care (you, etc, I guess) but some guys do, I suppose. I laughed so hard at the “You already know what you want and you spend the majority of your time convincing others that this is what they want as well. “ part… it’s so true! Hahaha! So I guess that goes back to the thing you’re saying about working the system with me, no guy has bothered to figure out how yet. so eff ‘em. They have been either completely too passive (peter) or we butt heads so hard it’s an exhausting battle always (gigi) or they act cool and nonchalant until things blow up out of the blue (jim / james) and I am left reeling. So eventually either I accept this is the thing about me that will be the hardest for men to accept or I try to change it. And I honestly have no interest in changing it. I like that I know what I want. Most people spend their lives not knowing or caring enough. I know. I care. I’m not willing to accept mediocrity from myself or others…. Especially not from someone I want to give my heart to, for cripes sake!
i have big balls

(no subject)

"...I pray one prayer -- I repeat it till my tongue stiffens -- Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living!  You said I killed you -- haunt me, then!  The murdered do haunt their murderers.  I believe -- I know that ghosts have wandered on earth.  Be with me always -- take any form -- drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!  Oh God! it is unutterable!  I cannot live without my life!  I cannot live without my soul! "
must... stash

caveat - weeks later. same things happening.

From: Lineback, Karla
Sent: Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:36 AM
To: Jeannine
Subject: RE: wavering resolve
Its just nice to have you guys get my back and be like “yes, you are not crazy, these men are just weak.”


From: Jeannine
Sent: Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:46 AM
To: Lineback, Karla
Subject: RE: wavering resolve are a little crazy but it's one of the things I love most about you. But then again, I don't have to date you or get to know you.
People often confuse passion with crazy but I get you. One day a man is going to get you too. One day a man is going to embrace all the passion you have and he's going
to have that passion too and he's going to be able to handle it. One day a man is not going to let you build him up only to tear himself down. One day you're going to meet the man that is strong enough to set limits with you and not run away because he feels too much. One day you're going to find a man that enjoys all the raw emotion you have and your capacity to love. Oh GOD..what a day that will be.
I just always think back to Miranda and how different her life would be if you hadn't talked to her. I also think of you and how different your life would be if you hadn't loved yourself enough to break up with Rob, put him on a bus, and get yourself some therapy.
One day they'll stop running away when they feel broken. They won't look to you to fix them. They'll look at you with wide eyes and wonder and appreciation because they get it.
And if they don't get it, their loss.
must... stash

(no subject)

From: Jeannine
Sent: Thursday, October 07, 2010
To: Lineback, Karla
Subject: RE: Silence

Add to list: Man must have spine and not afraid to use it

These weaklings love what you give them. They have been made to feel like their worthless for so long that they are like sponges when they first meet you.
Then it gets too intense b/c they realize...omg she's awesome and this is scary b/c I'm having real feelings. I'm not ready to have real feelings. I'm damaged goods....aareakgelkgjkg Run away!!!!!

My thought is that if they had a spine, they would be able to're awesome and I enjoy spending time with you. However, I have a lot of stuff going on right now but I'd be willing to make time for you if you could make time for me. Let's slow this down a bit. Why can't a guy just say....let's slow this down a bit? That is all it would take.

That and for you to stop drinking truth serum while you are around said dude.


From: Lineback, Karla
Sent: Thursday, October 07, 2010
To: Jeannine
Subject: RE: Silence
Just had a funny thought. My blood is made from truth serum. L

I think you’re right about the sponge. I am attracted to a fixer upper, I want to teach everyone how amazing they are, I guess. I dunno. If a man isn’t damaged goods, I don’t know how to feel useful….

I honestly don’t know what I would do with myself if I found a man without a really screwed up past who has his shit together…. such unicorns do not exist in the greater triangle area.

From: Jeannine
Sent: Thursday, October 07, 2010
To: Lineback, Karla
Subject: RE: Silence

Ok Florence Nightingale, realize that it's much easier to take care of other people than it is to take care of yourself. That's the hardest thing to do in the world, I think. At least it is for me. But I will tell you that I love everyone as best as I can but I only invest in people who invest in me.

Your heart and your dreams are precious things. They should be in hands of people who will help to guide them, protect them and nurture them. Why would you invest in people who can't invest in you? I think we are called to treat all others with respect and love but I do not think we are called on to stick around if we're being mistreated. There's a certain gift to being able to be discriminating about the people we allow into our inner circle and knowing when it makes sense to step arm's length way from relationships we know have the potential of being toxic; and in doing so, step away not with anger or hatred, but with respect, and yes, love, because it's the healthy thing to do.
I know this isn't always easy -- I've had my own share of pretty addicting relationships in my past. But I think when we get the hang of it, when we start to really invest in the true friends (relationships) who invest in us, well; it's sort of just you and them against the world. I want people to treat me the way I treat them. How awesome is that?
There's a difference in helping someone and letting them take advantage of the help you offer.
There's a difference between lifting someone up and them never accepting your help.
You can't force grace on someone, right? You can only love them. You can't give them your love if they don't want it, right?
You can only walk away and love them anyway.

Btw such unicorns do not exist in the greater triangle area....
sure they do. They are called courageous. Courage is not about being fearless but about saying yes to the next step and the one after that. Everyone has a messed up past. Everyone is in recovery. Some people just don't live in their past. They embrace it and are more interesting for it.
song hỷ

song hy

dunno why this is on my mind today. It's not a memory, per se, so i can't put it on my blog, but this song and the feeling it evokes in me is radiating in me today.

yesterday was my birthday. it was very calm and quiet. this morning, I woke up thinking about this song. the majesty of its meaning. even now. Silly, really. It's a bittersweet call to action. If you don't know the full story of Hair, as i understand most people i know aren't musical theater nerds to my level... very briefly: Claude is being sent to vietnam, he comes to NYC to live a little before he is called out. he meets Berger and tries acid and lives for the first time ever. he meets Sheila. they fall in love. berger tells claude he will go "check in" to the army for claude so he can have more day with sheila. berger winds up taking claude's place in vietnam and dies in battle.... for love.

this song is angry and is hopeful. things are FUCKED and it's insane but all movements with love. move forward with love and hope. there has rarely been a time in the past 20 or so years ago when i started to understand why things like this happened, when i didn't get chills and sometimes even cry when i hear this song.

This is going to be the theme song of my 33rd year on this planet.
i will be aware, i will sacrifice for those i love, i will let the sunshine in. i will love. i will control what i can control and let go of what i cannot. i will grant myself the serenity and i will be at peace. i will spread love and tolerance and hope like a virus. this is my year of TRUE, unselfish love.

We starve-look
At one another
Short of breath
Walking proudly in our winter coats
Wearing smells from laboratories
Facing a dying nation
Of moving paper fantasy
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes

Inside something there is a rush of
Who knows what stands in front of
Our lives
I fashion my future on films in space
Tells me secretly


do you understand this kind of love?

please try.
must... stash

(no subject)

Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is! - Anne Frank

33 is
The atomic number of arsenic
Jesus's age when he was crucified in 33 A.D
the coming of age of a hobbit in J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings
The code for international direct-dial phone calls to France
The number 33 was discovered to lead to the essential meaning of life (the Bible) in Dan Brown's 2009 novel "The Lost Symbol".
must... stash

tatooine, ho!

got all deep on my auralmemories blog this morning. set me off thinking about Igor... found this online. (probably my 2nd favorite piece of music of all time. if not first sometimes. sometimes 5th. who knows. One day someone who loves and knows me will take me to a performance of Le Sacre... i would die of bliss.) then realized that tonight shall be the night i treat myself to a viewing of the movie i have been dying to see for so long... Igor & Coco...oh lala!

I am a fangirl of reaaaallly strange people. I wonder if there is Stravinsky/Chanel fanfic online somewhere. i am too scared to google that. someone get back to me.